Content warning: This first-person story with Allison Holker includes discussions around trauma and suicide.
If I could go back in time to a little over a year ago and tell myself anything, it would be this: you’ll be able to feel love again. You will. It is a different kind of love…a love from life, from nature, from friendships, from peers, from my children. But you will feel love again. And I do.
But 14 months ago, my whole life was flipped upside down. You feel like everything’s taken from you. You sit in this weird pocket of life, asking yourself, “What is all this? Why?” I didn’t know what was happening in the moment, let alone what would happen in my future.
I had never seen a therapist before this. Never. But having a therapist was really beneficial, just having someone to open up to, but also receiving advice on how to handle things, especially in a really public setting. Part of that is because I’ve never been a person to need to ask for help in my life, ever. And oddly enough, something I realized very quickly into this grief and trauma was people actually got really offended that I didn’t ask for help. They wanted to, but what they didn’t realize is for someone who doesn’t usually ask for help, they were now asking me to find a way to ask them to do something. Not to mention, I also didn’t know what I needed help with because I’m such a to-do oriented person. No idea.
But what I learned is that it’s important for people to just do something. Just make a choice and do something, because it will always be seen by someone that cares. It’ll always be seen. And it always meant something. For instance, my oldest brother made me and the kids breakfast every morning. He didn’t ask if we were hungry, didn’t ask what we wanted. He just made breakfast every morning. My other brother built an entire playground with swings and a slide. No one asked. But it was so important for my kids to have that.
And for me, it was so important to continue my everyday routine, no matter what I was going through. That meant making my regular cup of coffee, and having my personal time before the kids got up, doing my hair and makeup, saying my affirmations, and going through my planner, getting organized. I’ve had this routine for years. I had no idea how beneficial it was going to be to help get me through this grieving process, because quite literally, it’s so engraved in me that even on my hardest days, I still get up and go through that pattern. I love hair and makeup, so taking the time to do it makes me feel better about myself. And talking to myself for 15 minutes straight, saying those affirmations, really helped me show up. Having those healthy habits is a big reason that I’ve been able to get this far.
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