1. Figure out the best person to talk to.
Who you talk to about what’s making you mad matters. Dr. David recommends avoiding someone who is just going to agree with you, offering up little more than saying, Yeah, I’d be mad too. “You want to talk to someone who can give you feedback and offer a different perspective on the situation,” Dr. David says. “Go to someone who has a vested interest in you, and who can help you figure out if you’re overthinking what happened or if there are some other factors you need to consider.”
2. Figure out why what happened pissed you off.
Letting go of anger requires getting a little introspective. Thewes and Dr. David both say that, sometimes, whatever sets you off is connected to a deeper emotional hurt. “When used correctly, anger is a healing emotion. It’s like a big neon sign with an arrow that says, I’ve been hurt. Sometimes people say or do things that poke that pain and men react. Anger makes us feel stronger and says, Back off. Leave me alone,” Dr. David says. Recognizing the deeper pain, he says, is part of healing and can lead to feeling less angry. It may sound simple, but the whole “name it to tame it” practice is scientifically shown to help people move on from anger.
Maybe it’s not that deep. Maybe someone cut you off in traffic and it just really pissed you off. But maybe an insult someone hurled your way, a text going unresponded to, or something else that happened hit a nerve because it’s connected to a past experience. It’s worth considering.
3. Determine if it’s a problem you can solve.
When talking through your anger, Dr. Bushman says to consider if your feelings can be used as a motivator to solve a problem. He points out that every social movement throughout history—women’s rights, Black Lives Matter, we could go on—was fueled by anger.
Use the person you’re talking to as a sounding board for possible ways you could use your anger for good. Maybe you’re angry that your workplace doesn’t have a good paternity leave policy or the playground you take your kid to every weekend is littered with trash. You’re angry. So what are you going to do about it? Sometimes that answer is nothing. But sometimes it’s not.
Not all sources of anger are problems that can be solved. In cases like these, Dr. David says the best way to get rid of anger is by practicing radical acceptance. “Just accept it for what it is right now,” he says. This, he says, is where those arousal-decreasing activities (like deep breathing) can be helpful, because it’s hard to practice radical acceptance when your heart is racing and blood pressure is skyrocketing.
4. Reframe how you see the situation.
Reframing what happened is another scientifically backed way to get rid of anger, Dr. Bushman says. He notes that one way to do this is by taking a step back and thinking about the bigger picture instead of focusing on the sole source of your anger. This is when having someone to talk to can be helpful, because they can offer up different perspectives or help you see that maybe what happened isn’t as big of a deal as you think. And if it is a big deal, they can help you figure out what to do about it.
Talking about anger in a productive way isn’t always easy. It can be hard to find objective people to talk to. It’s uncomfortable acknowledging pain points you’ve kept hidden. It’s hard to break the hardwired emotions of being quick to anger. In all these cases, the experts say that cognitive behavioral therapy can help identify certain triggers and teach effective responses to them.
“There’s a big difference,” Dr. Bushman says, “between talking about anger in an attempt to understand it and seek a solution, and talking about anger just to get it off your chest. The latter is not healthy.” So first calm yourself down, and then talk about what’s pissing you off, with purpose.
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