Just as I had reached a somewhat healthy place in my life again—I sleep eight hours a night, spend quality time with my cat, and work out, sometimes!—this happened:
Elden Ring DLC. 2022’s near-unanimous Game of the Year (it surely was at Esquire) will, at last, return with new and surprising methods of torture. The news arrives roughly two years after the debut of the game, which may be how long some gamers took to finally beat it. Elden Ring is one of the most difficult games ever created—you have to spend literal days of your time just to get the muscle to survive the first few bosses. Now, we’re in for more pain. The new trailer for the “Shadow of the Erdtree” expansion depicts a withered arm cracking out of a giant egg, as a voice tells us that there is “nothing more terrifying.”
High IQ gamer speculation over at Kotaku also correctly guessed that the figure you see riding Torrent—the Bullseye to your Jesse in Elden Ring—is Miquella. My therapist has classified my 90 hours playing Elden Ring as a not-insignificantly severe manic-depressive episode, so I don’t exactly remember who Miquella is. They just better get off my spirit horse. I do remember that giant tree, which looks like it’s in duress yet again.
According to the new DLC trailer, we’re entering the Land of Shadow on June 21, 2024. Time to bulk up before I spend another indeterminate amount of time in hibernation, once again being punished by this damn game. I can’t wait.
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