At this point in Western civilization, we have done away with most of the formalities that defined life in previous centuries. That’s largely a good thing—especially with regards to gender roles and tableware). It can, however, make things tricky when it comes to dress codes. While society remains mostly in agreement that certain occasions befit dressing up, it’s often hard to tell exactly what the expectation is. What does “smart-casual” mean, anyway? And if the invitation says “cocktail,” do they mean “cocktail attire” (traditionally a dark suit and Oxfords) or “cocktail party” (which can mean pretty much anything beyond a basketball jersey and sweats)? The trickiest of all, however, is the dreaded “black tie optional.” Here’s why.

On its surface, “black tie optional” seems simple enough—the subtext being, “Want to wear a tux? Go for it! Or don’t! We really just want everyone to feel comfortable!” In reality, however, it’s anything but. As a host, it’s your job to create a vibe for your event that encompasses the venue, refreshments, entertainment, and—naturally—the dress code. As guests, it’s our job to help you achieve that vibe by showing up on time, dressing accordingly, and maybe joining a singalong to “Pink Pony Club” at some point.

By refusing to commit to one dress code or another, however, you’re not living up to your responsibility as a host, and making it harder for your guests to live up to theirs. What “black tie optional” really means is that you would have preferred full-on black tie, but sensed it might be too much of an ask for everyone on your guest list. Which is fair. But instead of downgrading the dress code to “formal” or “cocktail attire,” you’ve chosen not to choose a side.

Not only does this maneuver make for a sub-optimal party vibe, it also puts your guests in the uncomfortable position of having to read between the lines to figure out what’s expected of them. If you receive a black-tie optional invite, the best course of action is to err on the side of formality and wear a tux (if that means buying one, you might be surprised how much wear you get out of it). Failing that, your crispest dark suit, white shirt, and solid tie combo will do just fine.

So the next time you find yourself planning a soirée, just be sure to make up your mind one way or the other about the dress code. If you want to host a black tie event, with all of the pomp and formality that entails, go all in. Your guests will thank you for the clarity.

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