“Sex involves laughter,“ Manta says. “I love giggling and being playful. Give yourself permission to feel silly and awkward, and know that it doesn’t ruin the mood. If anything, it’s going to be more of an intimate connection because you two have shared vulnerability.”
1. Slow down.
Play with pacing. Dirty talk can be romantic, then build up to something more graphic and back again. Don’t rush through it, and pull back if needed. Here are some tips on how to make sex last longer if pacing, in general, tends to be something you struggle with. That said, in the event that you hit a snag during dirty talk, remember that sexy time doesn’t necessarily need to stall out unless someone becomes really uncomfortable.
“If I were to slow way down and just describe my hands on your body, that’s a very different energy than saying, ‘Oh, my God, I’m so excited. I want to be on you, and then we’re going to fuck really hard,’” Manta says. “The fact that you have the ability to shift the energy with pacing is something people skip over entirely.”
Example: “If your partner is getting nervous, you can help slow them down by saying, ‘Oh, it would be so hot if you just took a really long, slow, deep breath so I could watch you go up and down,’” Manta says. “Whoever’s slightly more comfortable can take the lead a little bit, if they’re up for that, and help to reassure, even in character, the other person. Slow it down and say encouraging things like, ‘Oh, you’re doing so great. That was really hot the way you said that.’”
2. Acknowledge it.
It never hurts to acknowledge the awkwardness and do a quick reset. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m feeling really silly about this.” As Manta advises, “You’ve got to bring in some ‘I’ statements. ‘I’m feeling silly. I’m feeling awkward.’ Name it. Don’t just sit there and marinate in your shame.”
Example: “Say what you’re feeling out loud and then ask, ‘Could you reassure me?’” Manta says. “Or, ‘Can we get up and shake it off real quick and then reset and keep going?’ Own what’s going on and make a request when things get awkward.”
3. Pause if needed.
If you experience something that’s a turn-off for you or your partner, take a moment to assess the damage and how best you can support each other. “If you do happen to put your foot in your mouth, run into a trigger, or say something that your partner didn’t like, don’t panic,” Manta says. “Both people need to go in assuming good intent. If there is a line that gets crossed or a trigger that gets poked and it was an accident, apologize, do some repair.”
Example: Mantra advises asking things like, “What do you need right now? Do we need to stop? Do you need a glass of water? Do you need me to apologize more formally? What can I do to help you feel soothed in this moment?” And be okay with whatever the answer is. “Maybe the sexy part is over and you need to do some cleanup. Or maybe it is, ‘I just need to have a glass of water and then we can move on.’”
4. Touch base later.
Dr. Jansen says it’s best to wait until after sex—“maybe on a walk or hanging out on the couch, not during the sexual moment”—to approach your partner with feedback or check in. That check-in could include what you loved and what was really good as well as any corrections or minor adjustments if you have them.
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