How to Get Over Someone, According to Psychologists and Relationship Experts

If you were the more invested party, just know that it’s normal to have feelings of sadness or loss around the breakup. “We struggle to get over someone because we focus on the good times, how they made us feel, and how much we cared for them,” says DeAlto. “Even when it wasn’t always good, our hindsight is often rose colored and we hold on to what could have been.”

How can I stop thinking about my ex? Can you turn emotions off?

Unfortunately, DeAlto says, turning off your emotions is not possible. “It’s what makes us human,” she says. “Our emotions need to be felt and processed to move through them.” Here’s what you can do instead.

1. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

When somebody breaks up with you, you’re going to feel a flood of emotions, says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It’s a trauma. It’s a shock to your system.” And as with any type of emotional shock, “you want to be really gentle with yourself and you want to allow yourself to feel your feelings,” she says. After all, your feelings are there for a reason—they can help you move through difficult experiences, but only if you release them.

In the days following the breakup, allow yourself to cry and acknowledge that a breakup is like any other type of loss. With loss come five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. “You’re going to go through those in your own way, in your own time,” says Hendrix. And during the process, validate your feelings by saying things like “Why wouldn’t I feel like way?” and “Of course I’m experiencing this emotion.”

2. But don’t become your feelings.

Though it’s important to express your feelings, it’s also important to stop short of becoming them, says Hendrix. So if you feel sad, let yourself wallow for a certain amount of time—say, an hour. Cry, scream, yell, journal, listen to sad love songs, spend time with loved ones, do whatever you need to do to let your emotions flow freely, she says. But when those 60 minutes are up, stop and move on to something else.

“Yes, you need to give yourself some time to grieve, but we don’t want that to become self-harming,” says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, a licensed psychologist at Stratyner and Associates in New York City. “It’s important to keep up with self-care. If your functioning is diminishing—like you’re having trouble eating or sleeping on an ongoing basis—it may be time to seek some support from a mental health professional.” Her advice? Keep things that historically bring you joy, like exercise or hobbies, in your daily routine.

What are the stages of letting go?

Once you go through those five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—you can begin the process of letting go. “The stages of letting go include grieving, acceptance, and healing,” says DeAlto. “Give yourself the time you need to grieve the loss, accept the reality of the situation, and then take the time and energy you need to heal.”

1. Give yourself time and space to grieve.

For Brenden Durell, an intimacy expert who also serves as a relationship mentor and coach on Too Hot to Handle, the grieving stage is not one you can just skip over. “I was once engaged and had to go through the whole grieving process,” he says. “There has to be a grieving period. You can fill the voids all you want with drinks and partying or even with something healthy like working out, but you’re still avoiding the actual emotions that are in there. When my former fiancé and I didn’t work out, I got into the best shape of my life but it was all through motivation of abandonment. I wasn’t willing to feel the abandonment wound, so I put it into working out, but those emotions were still there underneath. I didn’t give myself permission to grieve.”